To Do

” To Do

You don’t see me

just a blur, of action

Lists and dates, a task and a deadline

You don’t see me

Just a glimpse of a shadow

Running to and fro

You don’t see me

Just things to do”

tanya

I’ve always prided myself on being able to multi-task and being a great organizer. I have my days planned so things move like clockwork (most of the time). I don’t actually schedule down to the detail but more like “I need to have this done by 7” or “by 8:30 I’ll start working on such and such”. My weekends are planned down to the very last minute that the kids go to bed. Even after the kiddies are slumbering, I plan my “relaxation” time after calculating how much actual sleep time I will get before my early morning run.

I am so bad that when my husband and I last vacationed in Jamaica, I had our days planned and got upset when things didn’t go the way I scheduled them. And I was on vacation! However, after 6 years in this parenting game, two kids, 3 years of marriage and too many years of being back in school, I want to be able to live off schedule! But I don’t think I can shut down that internal clock. Even when I try not to schedule or plan, I still see my day as increments of measured space.

My hope is that I can find a way to slow down and stop looking at the clock. Too often, I lay down to sleep and begin thinking about what I have to do the next day, never stopping to thank God for the day I’ve had. I understand that time is precious and I want to enjoy every moment I have. So starting today, I will stop clock watching and enjoy my time instead of just spending it.

The Diary of a First Time Mom of Twins: Bills, Breast Feeding & Balancing Acts

Am I a Failure as a Mother?

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Being a mom can be very overwhelming at times. I find myself sad and feeling guilty now that I am back at work.  Lately I have been feeling that flooding feeling and experiencing temporary moments of insanity. I’d rather  be home with my babies; But I have to go to work right now (putting positive work at home/ entrepreneurial thoughts into the atmosphere)!

I feel like I am a bad mother because I stopped breastfeeding my babies at 4 month old. Somewhere between my Tuesday snicker, glass of red wine and going back to work my milk supply dried up to where I was really just producing vapors. And when I gave it the last final try my boys were screaming inconsolably from hunger. Now that I really think about it I am really saddened by being unable to feed my babies. Am I selfish? Could I have taken better care of my self? I feel like I cheated them:(.

Then I feel like I am missing their milestones like rolling over and their coos. They are making the transition to pureed foods and I feel so drained by the time I get home, that I feel as though I am not effectively doing everything I need to do to spearhead this huge transition. When I wake up during the week I try to make sure they have fresh diapers and they’ve at least eaten 5 oz and by the time I get home they are still up but cranky from their day. Once I give baths it’s time for possibly their second to last bottle, before I put them down at night. Then I try to read them a story every night but by the time they have their cereal bottle they are out or I am just too tired to decipher the tongue twisters of Dr. Seuss. But no matter how much I do… Sometimes I feel like I am failing them…

Though people have tried there is no way one can bottle this job (Motherhood) into a book. Even though “How to be a Mother for Dummies” is a hilarious title. The stress of wanting to be “the perfect mom” is definitely real. I beat myself up when I am a minute late picking my sons up from daycare. I imagine their little faces and their huge eyes filling up with tears and wonderment like “Where is my mommy”? “Why oh why has she forsaken us”? A bit dramatic for 5 month olds but if they are anything like their mother I am sure that is exactly where their minds and mouths will go once they are able to talk.

Now that I am a mother I truly understand when parents say “I tried my best”… This thing of motherhood better yet PARENTHOOD is both a GROWING PROCESS as well as a JOURNEY and trust me this thing is NOT for the faint hearted.

Signed,

A Mother & A Life Perfectionist

Wrong-side of a Love Song

You don’t know me…
How could you love me?
Sometimes I think you are in love with the perception of me…
Constant war, constant drama, Constant conflict
Saddened; heart heavy, MISUNDERSTOOD
Bad guy/ girl
Wrong, Ugly, Pain
Tears welling… Fighting to hold back.
LOST.
Falsehood, not genuine. Scoffs…
You don’t know me
How could you love me?
Immaturity… Grow up…
PLEASE… lets mature together
Why do you hate me?
What have I done?
Love me. Be present. Talk. Communication.
Why am I negative in your mind? What have I done?
Self Control. Self Analysis
How did we get here?
Lets get back to love…
DEFERRED…
Dreams of love become mountains of being loneliness..
Alone. Cold. Numb.
Scoffs…
Nothingness. Meaningless.
Pain. Love. Fear. Courage.
You. Me. Us. We…
Can we grow?

Words of Wisdom from Betty White

I thought this was funny but oh so true.

If I Am Not My Hair, Why Am I Trippin’ When It Sheds?

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“I am not my hair, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within.”

~India Arie~

I have always had a pretty decent grade of hair, not the best but also not the worst. I’ve complained about it, hated it, experimented with it, cut it, burned it out, almost everything except color it. As a teenager I got my hair done professionally twice a month, faithfully. My hair was long and healthy, people would often ask if I had a weave or a relaxer and would be in disbelief when I proudly told them “no.” Of course when I left home and started doing it myself it began to fall out. I messed my hair up so bad that at one point I had to cut it to begin its restoration process.

I fell in love with my hair again while I was pregnant. It grew back to my teenage years when my beautician had it long and healthy. I read an article on hair growth during pregnancy and learned that the hair doesn’t necessarily grow any better or faster, it just doesn’t fail out. Hair has a natural shedding process. During pregnancy your hormones or something slows down that shedding process, so hair that would normally shed doesn’t do so, which is why it appears longer and maybe thicker. The article also mentioned that your hair will resume its natural process right after delivery.

I’ve been postpartum for three months now and I think my hair is trying to get back to pre-pregnancy look. It’s done its normal shedding, but this week it seemed to shed more than usual. And when I washed it, my hair shed EXCESSIVELY! I’m talking shed enough to weave up two chicken heads. I felt like I was going bald! I wanted to keep my long pregnancy mane and grow it longer. But why was I tripping so hard? I’ve been taught that your hair doesn’t define who you are. It doesn’t make you any better than the next girl and it shouldn’t be flaunted as the only thing you have going for yourself. Yes you want your hair to look nice, but wow them with your knowledge, your poise, your confidence, your grace, and everything else that makes you not only a damn good woman but an amazing person. Just let your hair complete the package ;-).

“Live the life you want TODAY!”

live-the-life-you-want

What are you waiting for? By “you” I’m speaking to myself as well.

 Many of us are just waiting around:

  • Waiting for the new job
  • Waiting for school to end or slow down
  • Waiting for him or her to come around
  • Waiting for others
  • Waiting for our money to “get right”
  • Waiting for…….

This list goes on. We are full to the brim with reasons as to why we cannot work out, eat right, do community service, tithe, etc… Why? Is it because we are waiting for all of the proverbial stars to align?

“Well, when I get this new job I will start to tithe”

“When I get my life together I will start working out again”

“When ______(fill in the blank) I will start to eat right”

I’ll do all the stuff I keep pushing off…another day; tomorrow, next week…heck next year!

Why do we do that?

Now patience is a virtue; therefore, some element of waiting is absolutely necessary and warranted. I agree whole heartedly that nothing is done in our own time, but in God’s time. He laughs at some of these plans we make for ourselves, especially when he is not included in every step of the planning process (hints why it is extremely important to remain prayerful).

However, I believe that on many occasions we are in fact our OWN greatest hindrance. We hold ourselves back. God is telling us to move but we don’t. Whether it be due to a fear of failure (or in many cases success), laziness, or complaisance. We ignore the nudge to move forward and in turn become stagnant. Doing the same old thing expecting different results (Is that not the definition of insanity?…right)

Here’s the remedy:

If it’s on your heart make it happen

The time is NOW for many of us to start Moving! Let’s not wait until tomorrow, for as you all know, tomorrow is not guaranteed.

You either find a way; or an excuse…Which do you choose? I for one chose finding a way.

  • Find a way to spend time with GOD, through prayer and self-meditation EVERYDAY (center myself)
  • Find a way to pay it forward (give more, share more, do more)
  • Find a way to tithe (after all it all belongs to Him anyway)
  • Find a way to remain positive
  • Find a way to get my business of the ground
  • Find a way to reach out to that person I have been meaning to speak to but it keep “slipping my mind”
  • Find a way to work out regularly (even when I’m tired)
  • Find a way to pamper myself every so often (nothing excessive a $30 Mani Pedi once a month will NOT break the bank)
  • Find a way to spend time with loved ones
  • Find a way to spend time pursuing my passion or indulging in a favorite hobby (an artistic outlet) 

All in all the key is to start now..

What are you waiting for? ……….Write a list, make it plain, & start today

 Be Blessed

♥ The Quarter-Life Misfit

Double Refined

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Sensual Saturdays’: Video of the Day

Happy saturday all! Tamar Braxton’s new single “The One” features a sample of Biggie’s “Juicy”. The video puts me in the mind of a new age Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy video. But of course this is a fun & fresh new spin for the summer time cookouts!

Enjoy!

The Diary of a First Time Mom of Twins: Ease the Pain & Helpful Feeding Tips

I read this article and it has some helpful hints for feeding baby!

Enjoy!

@AtlantaBabyExpo:

10 tips to ease the pain of feeding issues: by BabyCenter Featured Expert posted in Mom Storie… http://bit.ly/14wuIQl via @BabyCenter


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The Diary of a First Time Mom of Twins: What is Milky!?

I love this amazing twin duo, and I applaud them in their efforts to aid/ promote breastfeeding!